During our latest Nerd Daddies Star Wars episode, TJ and I asked a question nobody at Lucasfilm was brave enough to ask:
What if the Star Wars movies had titles that actually told you what happens?
So naturally, we renamed all nine movies in the Skywalker Saga.
Some of these are surprisingly accurate. Some are ridiculous. And a few might actually be better than the real titles.
Here are our picks.
TJ’s Star Wars Titles
TJ took an interesting approach. Apparently, the actual order of the movies was merely a suggestion.
Episode I: The Rise of Skywalker
Episode II: The Force Awakens
Episode III: Attack of the Clones
Episode IV: Return of the Jedi
Episode V: Revenge of the Sith
Episode VI: A New Hope
Episode VII: The Empire Strikes Back
Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Episode IX: The Phantom Menace
I’ll give him credit. If someone watched Star Wars for the first time using these titles, they’d have absolutely no idea what was coming.
Which might actually improve The Rise of Skywalker.
Logan’s Star Wars Titles
I went in a slightly different direction. Instead of shuffling the existing titles around, I tried to give each movie the title it truly deserved.
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
The Bureaucracy Strikes Back
Trade disputes. Senate meetings. Taxation. Nothing says space fantasy like government bureaucracy.
Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Anakin’s Excellent (and Awful) Sand Adventure
“I don’t like sand.”
That’s it. That’s the movie.
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
High Ground
Three movies. An entire friendship destroyed. The Jedi Order falls. The Republic becomes the Empire.
And Obi-Wan still has the high ground.
Episode IV: A New Hope
A Scrap Metal Odyssey
Luke buys two used droids from some Jawas and accidentally becomes one of the most important people in the galaxy.
Pretty impressive Craigslist purchase.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Dad Issues in Space
Luke finds out who his father is.
Han gets frozen.
Leia kisses Luke.
Actually, maybe we shouldn’t talk about that last part.
Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Ewok Party & Family Therapy
Luke finally sits down with his dad and works through some long-standing family issues.
Meanwhile, teddy bears defeat the Galactic Empire.
Cinema.
Episode VII: The Force Awakens
A New… Wait, Haven’t We Seen This?
Desert planet? Check.
Young hero who doesn’t know their parents? Check.
Droid carrying important information? Check.
Massive spherical superweapon?
Guys…
Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Space Chase and Salt Plains
The Resistance spends most of the movie running away while Luke discovers that drinking weird alien milk and avoiding your problems is apparently part of Jedi retirement.
Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
Somehow, Palpatine Returned
We couldn’t improve upon perfection.
Now It’s Your Turn
This was easily one of the funniest discussions from our Star Wars episode, but now we want to hear yours.
If you could rename ONE Star Wars movie, what would you call it?
Drop your best title in the comments. Funny, serious, completely ridiculous, we want to hear them.
And if you haven’t listened to the latest Nerd Daddies episode yet, check it out for our full Star Wars discussion, including movie rankings, Disney-era Star Wars, character debates, games, collectibles, and plenty of questionable opinions from two dads who have spent far too much time thinking about a galaxy far, far away.
May the Force be with you.
Or, as TJ might call it…
May the Phantom Menace Strike Back.
